An Israeli city tired of being confused with Nazareth, the iconic city next door where Christians believe Jesus was raised, is hoping to change its name, a spokeswoman said Wednesday.
Just three kilometres and a ten minute drive separate Nazareth Illit from its famous neighbour.
“Oy Vey! Residents kvetsch they’ve had enough of people, including tourists, thinking that our city is part of Nazareth,” says a Nazareth Illit city spokeswoman. “The resemblance between the two names causes confusion.”
Surely the answer is obvious? Change the name to Mecca or Salt Lake City or Varanasi, and the confusion will end – stat. No more loud pesky goyim wandering around in short pants looking for mangers. People should consult me when they have problems. ~~~~oo0oo~~~~
Now, Harrismith – no-one confuses us with our neighbouring town Bethlehem, a mere fifty minutes drive away if the potholes are fixed.
Bethlehem was famous for something at one time but then they couldn’t find three wise men so they lost the tender.
Bethlehem alumnus Stephen Reed wrote:It is also common knowledge that they had trouble finding a virgin.
Me: Which is surprising. When you look at Beflehem ous and Beflehem tjieks you’d fink there’d be some life-long virgins there.
The answer, one supposes, is alcohol.
Wonderful stuff. I know it has personally come to my rescue on more than one occasion.
They did change the name. The village is now to be known as Nof HaGalil (the Galilee view), OK?
We were happily sitting on a septic tank in River Drive when progress came rudely knocking. The municipality was putting in water-borne sewerage and the pipe was going to go through our garden and across the Mkombaan River at the bottom of it.
There would be some dynamite blasting. Deep blasting where they were going right under the river bed.
Bliksem. I was not happy. Our little wilderness was about to be badly shaken up.
Aitch arranged to meet with the high-ups and extracted some undertakings from them – We hereby undertake to minimise damage; to let you know the exact path so you can move your precious plants; to give you ample warning so you can move your dogs in time – we were still blissfully child-free – etc. they intoned solemnly. And she kept them to their word!
I asked the guys onsite to please not kill any creatures and to bring me anything they found so I could move it away safely. I would reward them. That’s how I came to receive this in a big bucket:
What a beauty! A solid-looking snake about 80cm long. Fascinating. I read up on them: They’re back-fanged, mildly venomous, not life-threatening; very reluctant to bite; slow-moving, placid; Look at the beautiful coloration and scales.
Relatively rare, they spend most of their life underground – note the small eyes. Found under rotting logs or when doing excavations. Move about slowly on warm, overcast days; good swimmers. Natal Black Snakes feed on frogs, lizards, legless lizards and small rodents; are known to take carrion.
As I promised them, I moved it to a safe place that same evening: the other end of our garden.
Us Blands have published a book. One of us was the author and one was the photographer.
OK, it was tenth-cousin Hugh that actually did both!
Mind you, I do play my small part in keeping this particular trappist monastery afloat by testing eyes there mahala every second month! Who’da thunk I’d ever help the Catholics? Holy me! Thank Allan Marais for that. If it wasn’t for us Hugh might not have had Marianhill to photograph.
Well DONE, cousin Hugh! That is quite an achievement; your book is stunning.
Here’s another beautiful book by Hugh:
. . this one includes sister Barbara and husband Jeff’s Umvoti Villa homestead, now inhabited by niece Linda and husband Dawie, MissMadam Mary-Kate and Meneer Dawie jr:
Hugh has driven thousands of miles around KwaZulu Natal photographing things that interest him. If you like old buildings, graves, churches, farms, railway stations, shops, government and church buildings, houses in towns and cities, hospitals, monuments n kak, seek no more! Go here. 70 000 images!
mahala – free
You can get your own copy of Hugh’s books here or here.
When I found them they were huddled together like Vaalies on a beach. Oh, wait! They WERE Vaalies on a beach. I should have taken a picture of Brauer’s beach outfit: A double-padded fluffy anorak. Sort of a Tshwane Tshpeedo. And a hoed.
We soon scurried off the dreaded sand in search of lunch. In their defence, it was blowing a gale. I kindly took them on a guided tour of – what place was it? – and then speedily straight to Canelands overlooking ve beach.
Back at the cottage:
Their cottage overlooked the beach from on high and despite being grandkid-infested, was very pleasant except for the absence of beer.
Perched high on a cliff, it puzzled me. I thought I remembered our cottage back in 1980 as being right on the beach . .
Sat, Feb 12, 2011(Newser) – An asteroid all but buzzed Earth on Friday, NASA has revealed. The asteroid, known as 2011 CQ1, passed just 3,405 miles above the Earth’s surface as it hung a sharp turn around the planet. That’s the closest near-miss ever recorded, beating a record set by a rock in 2004 by a few hundred miles. The asteroid was just a meter wide, small enough that Earth’s gravity would affect its course, in this case bending its path 60 degrees. Not that there was any real danger if the asteroid had veered into Earth’s atmosphere . . OK, they’re starting to talk nonsense so we’ll cut them off there.
Me: Brings to mind the heroics on Blythedale Beach when we single-handedly (the other hand was holding cheap liquor) fended off the comet which was threatening planet Earth at the time. Whether it was the coleanders and coriander and spatulas or the alcohol fumes from our breath that caused it to veer away is a moot point: Bottom line is it BALEKA’d and the planet was saved. Funny how little credit we have got for that over the years. Maybe we fell asleep at the medal awards ceremony . .
Steve reed wrote: Jees – I had [almost] forgotten that heroic weekend. I now recall the collander, and making do with some pretty substandard alcohol [probably not a GREAT wine as in 4 Hillside]. Also I recall some of us may have slept on the beach. Bulletproof days. Was that Filly with us as well as her friend whom I remember clearly was from Marandellas in Zim. Wait! A flashback:
‘Comet – it makes your breath small clean;
Comet – it tastes like gliserine.. ‘
Of iets. Not sure that I want to remember too much more…
Me: So many flashbacks! Maybe as the brain cells die, those old pickled ones gain more prominence? Maybe the flashes are vitreous detachments? Surreal. The sales jingle for comet continues:
‘Comet! It makes you vomit
So take some Comet
Today . . ‘
Hooligans. I was innocent. I fell amongst thieves . .
But its all true. You can check the 1980 newspapers: How many comets hit Blythedale beach that year? NONE. Not one.
OK, so our comet – probably 8P/Tuttle 1980XIII – may have been further away at 37,821,000km, but it was 4500m in size, not a puny 1m rock. So it’s still a good thing we were out there all night shaking our fists at it, daring it to approach.
The next day the weather improved, so I claimed some credit: ‘Did you get the good weather I prayed for for you guys?’
Brauer: You clearly have a more direct line then this bunch of unbelievers.
The sun shone down on them. Smiling grandkids, happy windloos days. Actually I hadn’t actually prayed. I pulled some strings. As St Peter I have connections, so I called on the Roman god Venti and the Egyptian god Amun about the wind. Together, they delivered. Bacchus was unable to help with the wine situation.
This one on sister Barbara’s beautiful farm Umvoti Villa, on the Mispah side of Greytown. She’d seen a snake on the big homestead veranda, but then no, it wasn’t a snake. What was it? She sent some blurry pictures of the mystery serpent . .
I asked for clearer shots, but by the time she went back to try and get them, the ‘problem’ had been solved! No more snake. Barbara was happy: ‘All gone for breakfast. My problem solved . . no stomping . . no moving . . no doom!’ (spray – aargh!)
Barbara had noticed the ‘snake’ was actually a whole bunch of ‘worms’ marching in line, nose-to-tail. So had the hens and they proceeded to munch them.
Here’s the ‘snake’:
A closer look at its ‘head’:
. . and here’s what I found out: They’re Fungus Gnat larvae! Each one is tiny and leaves a mucousy slime trail, and they gather together to move. Here’s a single one, looking a bit like a small slug:
. . and here’s the even tinier gnat next to 1mm marks:
For those keen to learn yet more about the exciting, honest-joe world of racing brown horses from one end of a field to the other end of the same field, all the while whipping they asses, David Gee Gee Simpson resurrected the exciting horse-racing saga:
All – It was Winx by three lengths in the George Ryder Stakes at
Rosehill, her home track, for the final time this morning early – or
late afternoon for Hogan and Spatch. Just a flick of the reins at the
300 meter mark by Hogan’s Mudgee mate Hugh and it was game over.
number 32 on the trot. The awesome tale continues.
Me: 32 wins! Liewe bliksem! That’s ridiculous – or rickadulious as Louis Slabbert would say.
Scratchmo hoped: Swannie, I think I have a convert. Yes you are correct, it is astonishing. Winx has the most wins in the history of racing World-wide. The most consecutive wins in World history.
Me: Aw, I thought I had a convert! I thought you’d see my point, that if you herded a whole bunch of horses to the top end of a field and chased them down to the bottom end of the field you may just as well have taken them straight down to the bottom end and saved time.
if you insist I’m converted, where can I buy myself a Winx or two?
Also, who’ll feed the thing?
And what will I do about the SOB’s who’ll want to trip my brown Winx horse if it was leading the field? And what can I sell a foal for once I breed one?
Dave Ample Thighs Simpson wrote: Forget about someone trying to trip your horse, you must first find an honest midget!
is easy. A sack of old mielie cops a day from Tabs’ farm should do
I don’t know what the foal will go for, but maybe Godolphin will pay US$$$5 million. Godolphin is the stable of Sheik Mohammed, the ruler of Dubai, so I think he has the loot. If not him, maybe our great South African Sheik, Sheik Markus will buy it.
always has to remember the risks of racing, if Winx breaks a leg,
Me: Now you’ve made me nervous. I am not going to buy two Winx’s anymore. Not even if Tabbo gives me free mielies.
of Sheik Markus. I sincerely hope he goes to chookie for a while. I
think that would be nice.
Also: Why do they ship horses all over for live-action pomping instead of using AI – Artificial Insemination? Put it in an envelope, mail it, insert it by hand?
And you still haven’t admitted to the fact that the brown horse usually wins . .
Scratchmo, Equestrian Gajima Wizard, replied: AI is banned for registered race horses. Bloodlines are very important in the horse racing industry, so must be tracked to perfection, which I should imagine DNA can now do anyway, but I guess it also prevents any particular stallion’s bloodline from becoming too dominant globally, as he must actually pomp to make new race horses. For top stallions you must pay big loot for a pomp.
each race horse has a passport and an inserted ID microchip, which is
checked before each and every race.
And then the killer blow: Sorry Swannie, but there are three main colours of race horses, Grays, Bays and Chestnuts. So the bad news is that brown horses never win.
Me: Damn! I’ve been wasting my money all these years! Must be thirty, forty Rand wasted! Blown!
the Pomping Passport story! If humans had those there might be a bit
more decorum! And a microchip in each guy’s willy.
I spose the Stallions Union agitated for no AI! They’d want to keep flying round the world, meeting mare chicks. Give them a jab and then fly off to pastures new, no parental care asked for, nor offered. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
I imagine it’s quite a fraught scene when he has to do the deed. Injuries could happen!? So I’m guessing they don’t leave them alone in a nice quiet corner to first fall in love and whisper sweet nothings? Develop true feelings? Probly a highly supervised pomp, like a porno movie, complete with cameras and KY jelly?
Comedian Mark Simmons asked – and I think he has a point: ‘To be or not to be a horse fancier, that is equestrian’
We were talking horseracing. About galloping knowledge and great expertise about the sport of kings, when along came someone who actually knows what he’s talking about (damn!). He also seems to have developed a disease since we last saw him: Horse Sickness: Probably ‘cos its lonely in the saddle in Port Elizabeth . . .
Dave ‘Scratchmo’ Simpson said: As you guys mention horse racing, meet my beloved Stormy Eclipse:
you can see, Stormy is the most beautiful horse with a wonderful
character and a great record – run 39 times with 9 wins.
Stormy’s sister is running at Turfontein on Saturday. So if you have (me: absolutely . . ) nothing to do, watch the 7th race on Channel 239. Her name is Storm Destiny. She has a chance. (And Hood was right! Could it be he knows what he’s talking about!?).
for you, I also have a filly – her name is Ample Glory and will
begin racing this year. I am secretly confident that Ample will be
the next Winx. Do you know when Winx will next race? – Her first
race of the season was usually the Apollo Stakes at Randwick in mid
Stephen ‘Spatchmo’ Reed replied: Howzit Dawid. Good to hear from you. My racing knowledge is scrappy but I see Winx is due to run on 13 April as you probably know in the Queen Elizabeth stakes. She is certainly big news here in Aussie. Racing seems like a big thing everywhere. I see radio and news channels run 24/7 with racing reports including the SA Turffontein and Greyville races. [free to air, not pay channels]
As for ample glory, I googled it and all I could find is:
i’m writing a story about the glory of my AMPLE thighs.
I will keep an eye out
Simpson: Hi Spatch, Well, it is really good to hear from you. My belated response comes from your mail going to junk. I still see Hubby around and he still calls you Spatchmo and me Scratchmo.
Hope all is going well in the mighty Oz. I guess my daughter Victoria will end up there, poor child, as she married an Aussie. Just joking – he is a hell of a nice guy – unlike those cheating cricketers and horse trainers. They have learned well from our insatiable politicians.
It is a little early to find the magnificent Ample Glory on the www as she will only make her first appearance in I guess about 3 to 5 months – but so far all is looking good. See attached pic of Ample with Frankie Dettori in the saddle:
If you don’t know Frankie – google him as he is a terrific character – getting most of the World’s best rides and has done some amazing things including winning the Arc de Triomf five times. When he wins, which is most of the time, he leaps out of the saddle in the winners circle, much to the delight of the crowds. Watch it on Youtube. I’ll convert you guys yet.
got up early last Saturday to watch Winx win the Apollo Stakes at
Randwick. She seems to not have lost any of her late speed from last
year. Her next will probably be the Chipping Norton Stakes also at
Randwick, this or next weekend, then George Ryder Stakes at Rosehill
and the then the QE Stakes before retirement to make baby Winx’s.
If you are living in Sydney, you and Wonderlikke Woman must go and
watch her, you will not regret it. If you need a ticket, Winx’
jockey is a guy by the name of Hugh Bowman and he comes from the
mighty metropolis of Mudgee. There is an optometrist there called
Hogan who looks after the Bowman family eyes. So maybe he could swing
you a ticket or two.
Keep in touch, Dawid Scratchmo Hood
Me: Hoodlum – I stared very hard at that picture after your glowing description, but all I could see was a brown horse and a tanned Italian. Am I missing summing?
have added the mighty Hogan of Mudgee onto this thread for cheep
tickets . .
Simpson: Yes Swannie, you noticed. Just testing your attention to detail. The dude on the back of my horse wishes he was Frankie.
Glen ‘Hogan’ Barker wrote: Thanks for adding me to this thread, Pete.
Yes, Hood is quite correct as last Thursday 14th I had Hugh Bowman’s parents come in to get their eyes checked. Quite a coincidence as their daughter, Hugh’s sister, lives a couple of hundred yards down the street from us, and they stayed the night. Their farm (or property as they call it here) is an hour west and further away from the ‘Big Smoke,’ i.e. Sydney, before all three of them went down there on Friday to watch the Apollo Stakes on Saturday for Winx’s 30th consecutive win.
Me: 30th consecutive win! That’s insane. Must be a record, surely?
Tell me Hood, it’s a brown horse, right? They seem to be faster, generally . . .
(thought I’d throw in a bit of insider knowledge and expertise there . . )
But Hood came up with two other words for ‘brown’, can you believe it, just to pour cold water on my theory: ‘Sorry Swannie, but there are three main colours of race horses: Grays, Bays and Chestnuts, so the bad news is that brown horses never win.’
Now, I knew horse racing was rigged, but I never guessed it was this bad . .
PS: I think Ample Thighs would be a good name for a race horse.