Tag Archives: horse-racing

More Horse Chestnuts

For those keen to learn yet more about the exciting, honest-joe world of racing brown horses from one end of a field to the other end of the same field, all the while whipping they asses, David Gee Gee Simpson resurrected the exciting horse-racing saga:

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Hi All – It was Winx by three lengths in the George Ryder Stakes at Rosehill, her home track, for the final time this morning early – or late afternoon for Hogan and Spatch in Australia. Just a flick of the reins at the 300 meter mark by Hogan’s Mudgee mate Hugh and it was game over.

Win number 32 on the trot. The awesome tale continues.

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Me: 32 wins! Liewe bliksem! That’s ridiculous – or rickadulious as Louis Slabbert would say.

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Scratchmo hoped: Swannie, I think I have a convert. Yes you are correct, it is astonishing. Winx has the most wins in the history of racing World-wide. The most consecutive wins in World history.

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Me: Aah, I thought I had a convert! I thought you’d see my point, that if you herded a whole bunch of horses to the top end of a field and chased them down to the bottom end of the field you may just as well have taken them straight down to the bottom end and saved time.

But if you insist I’m converted, where can I buy myself a Winx or two? Also, who’ll feed the thing?

And what will I do about the SOB’s who’ll want to trip my brown Winx horse if it was leading the field? And what can I sell a foal for once I breed one?

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Dave Ample Thighs Simpson wrote: Forget about someone trying to trip your horse, you must first find an honest midget!

Feeding is easy. A sack of old mielie cops a day from Tabs’ farm should do the trick.

I don’t know what the foal will go for, but maybe Godolphin will pay US$$$5 million. Godolphin is the stable of Sheik Mohammed, the ruler of Dubai, so I think he has the loot. If not him, maybe our great South African Sheik, Sheik Markus will buy it.

One always has to remember the risks of racing, if Winx breaks a leg, she’s dead.

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Me: Now you’ve made me nervous. I am not going to buy two Winx’s anymore. Not even if Tabbo gives me free mielies.

Speaking of Sheik Markus. I sincerely hope he goes to chookie for a while. I think that would be nice.

Also: Why do they ship horses all over for live-action pomping instead of using AI – Artificial Insemination? Put it in an envelope, mail it, insert it by hand? Those who like a little romance could kiss the envelope when they seal it.

. . . .

And you still haven’t admitted to the fact that the brown horse usually wins . .

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Scratchmo, Equestrian Gajima Wizard Simpson, replied: AI is banned for registered race horses. Bloodlines are very important in the horse racing industry, so must be tracked to perfection, which I should imagine DNA can now do anyway, but I guess it also prevents any particular stallion’s bloodline from becoming too dominant globally, as he must actually pomp to make new race horses. For top stallions you must pay big loot for a pomp.

Also, each race horse has a passport and an inserted ID microchip, which is checked before each and every race.

And then the killer blow: Sorry Swannie, but there are three main colours of race horses, Grays, Bays and Chestnuts. So the bad news is that brown horses never win.

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Me: Damn! I’ve been wasting my money all these years! Must be thirty, forty Rand I’ve wasted! Blown!

Amazing the Pomping Passport story! If humans had those there might be a bit more decorum! And a microchip in each guy’s willy.

I spose the Stallions Union agitated for no AI! They’d want to keep flying round the world, meeting mare chicks. Give them a jab and then fly off to pastures new, no parental care asked for, nor offered. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

I imagine it’s quite a fraught scene when he has to do the deed. Injuries could happen!? So I’m guessing they don’t leave them alone in a nice quiet corner to first fall in love and whisper sweet nothings? Develop true feelings? Probly a highly supervised pomp, like a porno movie, complete with cameras and KY jelly?

– yep – thought so – no privacy –
– hardly the kind of romantic ambience every mare dreams of –

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Comedian Mark Simmons asked – and I think he has a point: ‘To be or not to be a horse fancier, that is equestrian.’ I used to be – back when there were brown horses.

Horse Sickness

We were talking horseracing. About galloping knowledge and great expertise about the sport of kings, when along came someone who actually knows what he’s talking about (damn!). He also seems to have developed a disease since we last saw him: Horse Sickness: Probably ‘cos its lonely in the saddle in Port Elizabeth . . .

Dave ‘Scratchmo’ Simpson said: As you guys mention horse racing, meet my beloved Stormy Eclipse:

As you can see, Stormy is the most beautiful horse with a wonderful character and a great record – run 39 times with 9 wins.

Stormy’s sister is running at Turffontein on Saturday. So if you have (me: absolutely . . ) nothing to do, watch the 7th race on Channel 239. Her name is Storm Destiny. She has a chance. (And Hood was right! Could it be he knows what he’s talking about!?).

Stephen for you, I also have a filly – her name is Ample Glory and will begin racing this year. I am secretly confident that Ample will be the next Winx. Do you know when Winx will next race? – Her first race of the season was usually the Apollo Stakes at Randwick in mid Feb.

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Stephen ‘Spatchmo’ Reed replied: Howzit Dawid. Good to hear from you. My racing knowledge is scrappy but I see Winx is due to run on 13 April as you probably know in the Queen Elizabeth stakes. She is certainly big news here in Aussie. Racing seems like a big thing everywhere. I see radio and news channels run 24/7 with racing reports including the SA Turffontein and Greyville races. [free to air, not pay channels]

As for ample glory, I googled it and all I could find is:

i’m writing a story about the glory of my AMPLE thighs.

But I will keep an eye out

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Simpson: Hi Spatch, Well, it is really good to hear from you. My belated response comes from your mail going to junk.  I still see Hubby around and he still calls you Spatchmo and me Scratchmo.  

Hope all is going well in the mighty Oz. I guess my daughter Victoria will end up there, poor child, as she married an Aussie. Just joking – he is a hell of a nice guy – unlike those cheating cricketers and horse trainers. They have learned well from our insatiable politicians.

It is a little early to find the magnificent Ample Glory on the www as she will only make her first appearance in I guess about 3 to 5 months – but so far all is looking good. See attached pic of Ample with Frankie Dettori in the saddle:

– that is a filly, is it? –

If you don’t know Frankie – google him as he is a terrific character – getting most of the World’s best rides and has done some amazing things including winning the Arc de Triomf five times. When he wins, which is most of the time, he leaps out of the saddle in the winners circle, much to the delight of the crowds. Watch it on Youtube. I’ll convert you guys yet.

I got up early last Saturday to watch Winx win the Apollo Stakes at Randwick. She seems to not have lost any of her late speed from last year. Her next will probably be the Chipping Norton Stakes also at Randwick, this or next weekend, then George Ryder Stakes at Rosehill and the then the QE Stakes before retirement to make baby Winx’s. If you are living in Sydney, you and Wonderlikke Woman must go and watch her, you will not regret it. If you need a ticket, Winx’ jockey is a guy by the name of Hugh Bowman and he comes from the mighty metropolis of Mudgee. There is an optometrist there called Hogan who looks after the Bowman family eyes. So maybe he could swing you a ticket or two.

Keep in touch, Dawid Scratchmo Hood

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Me: Hoodlum – I stared very hard at that picture after your glowing description, but all I could see was a brown horse and a tanned Italian. Am I missing summing?

I have added the mighty Hogan of Mudgee onto this thread for cheep tickets . .

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Simpson: Yes Swannie, you noticed. Just testing your attention to detail. The dude on the back of my horse wishes he was Frankie.

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Glen ‘Hogan’ Barker wrote: Thanks for adding me to this thread, Pete.

Yes, Hood is quite correct as last Thursday 14th I had Hugh Bowman’s parents come in to get their eyes checked. Quite a coincidence as their daughter, Hugh’s sister, lives a couple of hundred yards down the street from us, and they stayed the night. Their farm (or property as they call it here) is an hour west and further away from the ‘Big Smoke,’ i.e. Sydney, before all three of them went down there on Friday to watch the Apollo Stakes on Saturday for Winx’s 30th consecutive win.

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Me: 30th consecutive win! That’s insane. Must be a record, surely?

Tell me Hood, it’s a brown horse, right? They seem to be faster, generally . . .

(thought I’d throw in a bit of insider knowledge and expertise there . . )

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But Hood came up with two other words for ‘brown’, can you believe it, just to pour cold water on my theory: ‘Sorry Swannie, but there are three main colours of race horses: Grays, Bays and Chestnuts, so the bad news is that brown horses never win.’

Now, I knew horse racing was rigged, but I never guessed it was this bad . .

PS: I think Ample Thighs would be a good name for a race horse.

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Here’s the actual pic of Scratchmo’s promising filly Ample Thighs with Frankie Dettori (or is this Frankie Dube?) in the saddle:

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Scratchmo wrote: ‘unlike those cheating cricketers and horse trainers.’ And of course, Catholics:

– at least the one disgusting oke – the one in a dress – is in gaol –

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Punters

Sorry Ma, I’m working late again today.

The boys are lined up outside the tote on the roof of our shopping centre. There’s horseracing at Kenilworth and they have a sure thing running and they can’t miss this opportunity to make an investment and win big and be able to treat the family. Maybe to a treat like getting home early?

Every day there’s races. If not at Kenilworth then at Greyville, Scottsville, Turffontein, The Vaal and elsewhere. Also overseas. In fact there’s hardly an hour when some horse isn’t pointlessly beating another horse somewhere in the world, so there’s always a good reason to be on top of the roof in Montclair rather than at home with all the kak you get that side. At home you say something and they tell you ‘Don’t talk kak.’ Here you say something and the boys say ‘Really!? You Swear!? Don’t choon me man, that’s kif!’ then they have their turn to tell a lie.

There’s a bar in the tote but hey man, bar prices are a squeeze man, also they charge you just for a single and what good is a single when time is short, I ask you? So there’s constant movement in and out of the tote to the cars parked just outside with their boots open. Small drinks are bought now and then and fortified with dop from the bottle in the boot. Polystyrene cups if you’re avoiding the bar altogether.

Then disaster strikes! The tote closes down! What to do now? Still they meet and still they drink and still they talk. But its not the same and it starts dwindling. Fewer and fewer cars arrive until its only the real stalwarts, the die-hards. The ous who will listen to your stories as long as you listen to theirs.

Maybe also the ous who never really were betting on the horses anyway?