It’s true I sometimes ‘forget’ to buy poisons, but this time Mrs Mpisane made me assure her I’d have ‘Domestos’ and ‘Handy Andy’ for her final big clean, as we leave the cottage tomorrow, heading north to Darkest Zoolooland.
And I forgot.
Pretty Mpisane had cleaned the cottage for us once before and when I confessed I hadn’t bought the Domestos and Handy Andy she’d cheerfully said, ‘Don’t Wurrie I’ll use sunlight liquid.’ I couldn’t mea culpa again, so this morning I hared off the 12km to Hibberdene Spar, got there at 7.01am, and was about their 4029th eager customer. Something about Pension Payout Day. I grabbed the two things I needed and stood in line with dozens of ancient, shuffling, walking stick-wielding elderly people, all about my age. OK, many younger.
The fifty-ish guy in front of me had a basket. Later a gogo with a trolley joined, but this guy Fifty in front of me made her move back a metre behind so as to keep the lane clear. I gave him an impressed nod, like ‘You’re doing the right thing, brother.’ He explained queueing protocol at length to me and the gogo and all who would listen, and had us all smiling and laughing as he gesticulated and waxed lyrical.
A young oke in a light blue denim top joined right against me, squeezing up so as to keep the passage clear, but to no avail. Fifty the Queue Cop was onto him like a flash. How dare he push in front of Trolley Gogo! Young Denim put up some laughing resistance but gave in and gave way, and was banished. More people joined in the aisle behind Trolley Gogo. A holdup at the till meant no movement, but I was fifth in line, on the near side of that aisle, and happy to wait.
Then a Spar manager came up and said, ‘Please sir, Move to the back of the queue.’ I laughed, No ma’am I’ve been here all along, before that lady with the trolley, I didn’t push in.
She looked at Fifty, who looked away. When did he join? asked Spar Lady. I know nothing, I saw nothing, says Fifty! Bastid! Ask the lady, I suggested. She knew nothing. I said, But I was here when you arrived and this gentleman made you move back to there! You remember! She knew nothing.
Move to the back please sir.
I picked up the Domestos and Handy Andy at my feet – which please note I didn’t even want to buy actually – and did the long walk of shame down the aisle next to the now even longer queue. Halfway there was Young Denim. ‘Ha, you tried to crook,’ he laughed. I didn’t and you know it, I laughed back at him. And you know that, I said in isiZulu. He just grinned even more.
..
Life is cruel. Did I mention that I didn’t even want to buy this shit actually? And here’s me breathing the air of 4029 people and reflecting on what it’s like to be the underdog for once and how some are subjected to this kind of thing daily.
Suddenly I remembered the small Pick n Pay across the little alley. The one we choose not to frequent. Dumping my goods, I did the short walk of relief and peered in there. Only three people and a long row of Domestos and Handy Andy bottles taped together in a promotional pack!
I Picked I Paid I Fled. I was out in two minutes flat. HellaBladdyLooya!
Mrs. Mpisane said a matter of fact Thanks and got to work. I was disappointed a bigger song and dance wasn’t made of my heroic effort.
~~oo0oo~~
